Hayley-XXI-10

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My dear Eliza,

Your silence afflicted me, because it led me to apprehend you were ill; for which I sincerely grieve.—your letter also afflicts me, because it expresses a disposition not to regard my advice & my Intreaties, on a Subject, where I had used such Arguments, & such Supplications, as I flattered myself must have influenced both your Mind & your Heart. alas! my dear Eliza, you talk of Resentments, but what Occasion for Resentment, or Hostility, can we have against each other?— Destiny brought us strangely together:— We wished to make each other happy:—Nature rendered it impossible:— We are neither of us to blame:— but each of us, I trust, in the sight of God, no common degree of Merit, in having most generously, tho unsuccessfully long laboured to do, what could not be done.— You speak of 22 years of domestic vexation:- My Sufferings in that Period were not inferior to yours; & had I not, with a singular Mixture of Resolution & Tenderness, removed you from me, I must have sunk into Ideotism, or into the Grave.— But tho the peculiar Texture of our respective Nerves rendered us, involuntarily, & inevitably, a Source of Misery to each other, when under the same roof; we may surely prove very tender Friends to each other at a distance; & it shall not be my Fault, if we cease to be so.

Yet Man, you know, is imperious by Nature; & my Spirit perhaps is particularly so, because I am conscious, not of superior Powers, but of that upright Benevolence, which never would impose any Command on Another, that I would not myself obey in the same Situation:— Had you prayed me not to visit derbyshire, with such arguments as I gave you against your Visit to Sussex, I protest to Heaven, I would have endured any Pain or Sickness, rather than have acted in opposition to your Intreaties. – You tell me, you can find in the North no bathing place so convenient as Hastings;

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But I entreat you to recollect, that Scarborough is much nearer to you than Hastings.— On looking into the Map I find a good road from Derby to Lincoln, which you may travel in postchaises; & from Lincoln I apprehend you will readily find most commodious Coaches to Scarborough;- a Scene highly beautiful in itself, & particularly convenient for bathing!

If you approve this plan, that I most tenderly recommend to you, I will most willingly take on myself all that Expence of your Chaises, backwards & forwards, between Derby & Lincoln; by which Measure, I apprehend, this project must prove considerably cheaper to you than an Expedition to Hastings. Your coming into Sussex this year must unavoidably prove a source of Inquietude and distress to my Mind; & if you persist in that Resolution, I shall consider it as an open Act of Hostility & defiance.

Yet even than, my dear Eliza, I shall harbour no Resentment against you – I shall never act as your Ennemy, [sic], for, in Truth, I cannot intentionally be so; but you will force me, much against my Will, to cease corresponding with you as a Friend, & I shall bitterly lament, that you have not that Esteem & regard for me, which my Heart & Conscience assure me I have deserved from you; & which, (if you had them) would assuredly induce you not to persist in a Measure, that I tell you (in the most tender Manner) you cannot pursue, without wounding my peace of Mind to such a degree, as to render me unfit for all profitable Study. — ah! my dear Eliza! why should you tear from us both the only Enjoyment, that our Singular destiny can allow us to derive from each other?–I mean the constant Intercourse

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of affectionate Letters, in which I have invariably endeavoured to communicate to you all the amusement & satisfaction I could: not burthening you with my literary Vexations, but wishing to impart to you every ray of good Fortune, that might glance upon me.– I should have entertained you with a History of my Excursion, had you not grieved me so sorely, by not giving up the rash Project, that I conjured you to relinquish – but I hope more mature Consideration will give so kind & generous a Turn to your Conduct, that you will not destroy that Correspondence of reciprocal Kindness & Attention, which I heartily wish to preserve (for our mutual Tranquility & Comfort) between you however distant, & your

tender tho resolute,
& however you may deem him severe
your affectionat
H

The dear boy is well: & returns yr kind remembrance with grateful affection —Unavoidable Fatigue during my last day in London with a violent Cold on my Return, & the bitter vexation of finding in yr Letter, that you are inclined to oppose & perplex me, have rendered me very feverish, & uncomfortable in my Health: but Jame's Powder with Rest & Reflexion will soon, I trust, restore me, especially If I am fortunate enough to make you a Convert to my Ideas — God bless you

Eartham June 15 1792 Pray remember me Kindly to Mrs Twigge - I am not well enough to write a chearful Letter to a Bride at present

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To M^rs Hayley
Derby